Dear You

I know what its like to love somebody blindly, to cling to that love, follow it into the fire, to keep trying and trying just for that. I know what that is like. I understand it, and i thought that meant i understood what it is like to love. I thought my own experience qualified me to understand it.

Yes I do understand what it is like to love somebody, but when it actually comes down to it I am clueless of what is like to be in a relationship, I steered my boat alone, made all my decisions alone. I loved him beyond reason, beyond sanity really, when all sense had gone, and we hadn’t spoken for years I still loved him.

I know what it is like to stay because you love somebody.

So my experience of love, although has offered me with a deep vault of knowledge and advice. There are things i really don’t understand, things i cannot comprehend,

The thing about the kind of love i felt it is the kind of love that doesn’t go away, nothing can disperse it, it lingers long after it should, this year I’ve learnt to move on, let him go, but I swear in 10, 20, 50 years if he asked me to run away with him I bloody well would.

So lately, when my friend confided in my that she doesn’t love her boyfriend anymore, I was struck with confusion, because why does she stay?

I spent the last few years trying to outrun love, like the roadrunner,  to lose it like my car keys, leave it behind in my wake, I have tried to stop loving somebody, I can’t imagine wanting to stay once you’ve won the race, once love is in your wake, a part of your past. She explained it to me, she explained the best she could how she wanted to keep trying, in honour of what was once good.

And maybe that is courageous, maybe if i had more experience I’d understand, but i don’t understand. You see, I know loving somebody when all hope is gone like back of my hand, I don’t even begin to comprehend hoping when all love is gone.

Is that good thing? Is it a common thing? Is staying brave?

Do you know what it is like to keep trying when your heart is not there?

and the big question is; does love come back? once it is destroyed can it be rebuilt?

The thing is I always knew I loved him, even at the worst parts, even when it was destroying, even when it crumbled my self confidence, my self belief, I knew I loved him. Even now, Even when I’ve let it go, I know i still love him, in my own way, I know if he turned up at my door right now, I’d love him, hands down, stupidly, foolishly.

So I’ve stopped hoping, stopped trying, But never stopped loving. So i can’t imagine to keep hoping, keep trying when I’ve stopped loving. And As is the way with me, my frustration gets the best of me, I expect a lot from myself, I expect to understand, and when i don’t, I try. But this, I really don’t. I don’t see how its good to keep trying just because you loved him once. I don’t see it. Maybe, it is because I’ve wanted to feel like that for so long.

Maybe you understand this better. I hope you are a better person than me, more open minded, that you are able to throw your heart in, to keep giving chances, because i know some people think its foolish, But i admire it, the kind of people that keep trying even after they are hurt are the kind of people that change the world around them, they change lives, because sometimes all people need is a second chance, but dear you, know when to salvage yourself, you are not an endless supply of chances, you deserve better than the partner you don’t love anymore, than the friend that keeps letting you down. You deserve the world dear you.

All my love

 Me x

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