Dear You

This time last year, on christmas morning  my heart broke, I can pinpoint the exact moment, follow the fissure across my heart. You can expect it and still be surprised, You can anticipate it and still feel the world crumble at your feet, No matter how much you prepare, heartbreak as a lot like the apocalypse; it never works out how you expect, and despite all those cans of food, and bottled water, and safe houses, you still feel lost in the devastation, wondering if you even want to live through it at all.

Nobody really explains it to you, I don’t think anybody can, there is no 101 on how to get your heart broken, and how to appropriately put it together again, and don’t think it is even something you learn, you don’t ever get used to it; My heart was broken at 12 when i first told him i loved him, My heart was broken when he left and never called because I’d won in convincing him i didn’t want him too, My heart was broken over and over by this boy, this one boy. is it cruel to say he’s nothing special? Because he’s not you know. He’s flawed, and stupid, and I loved him to pieces, i loved him until i was in pieces, Last christmas, Downing drink after drink until i was drowning, not thoughts of him, they floated like life rafts, It was me that drowned in champagne, and wine, and painkillers.

It was the strangest day of my life, because in many ways i was happy for him; heart bursting, overjoyed, My boy’s found his home, his family, his life, his peace, my boy, he’s gonna be happy. and she’s good, she’s lovely, she’s the kinda girl he should be with, and their child will be beautiful, and kind, and his. god, it it his. His child has his frown, his eyes, his smile. His child, a part of him. how could i not be happy for him?

But…How could i not be devastated?

No matter how much i knew the truth, It wasn’t until that moment, on christmas morning that I believed it, that i resigned myself to it,  it had been a long time since i’d ever allowed myself to think  he and I had a chance, But i didn’t realize how deeply those dreams were rooted, how they were as much a part of my as my heart, my arm, my blood.

I am so determined for tihs christmas to be good, To mark me moving on like a milestone. We’ve made it, it says, We made it the year. It has been a tough one, heart break is hard, picking up dreams and remaking them is hard, getting over a love you thought was it, a love that felt enternal, A love that lasted over a decade  is hard, Being happy for someone can sometimes feel like agony. And I know lately, my thoughts have drifted back to him, worried over him, Sometimes i mistake that worry for a sign that i love him still, and i do love him still, i’m just not in love, and that is the most revolutionary, liberating, life changing event of the year, I DO NOT LOVE HIM.

So this christmas, this next year Its gonna be the turn of the century, the end of this era, the beginning, because i am free, Dear you. and if you are free, if you have had a hard year, if you feel, like me, that you rising ot of the ashes, Good on you! We are strong. If, however, you are burning, like I was last year, Know, that it ends, that we are phoenixs’, we will rise, YOU WILL RISE.

Merry christmas

Me x

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