Dear You

Life keeps changing. shifting, moving, I am stood on sand, and I am running. I am putting all of my energy into going forward that I just keep falling deeper into the sand, my feet sinking. things around me are the same, I am in the same place, with the same dreams, loving the same people, aside from one, One single, lone person, and the absence pulls at me, the absence clarifies everything. it has changed everything

How can that be?

Just a few weeks ago I relapsed, I fell deep into my thoughts and I drowned. But now, I have risen, with flames and a fluster of feathers, and I couldn’t be happier.

I don’t even know why, each day I feel closer to the me I lost last year, no, actually I feel closer to me I could have been, The me I was supposed to be.

I’ve started another blog called elliesiansvisions, There I post my writing, parts of me I’ve never really shared, and every day new people read my work, every day they read my work and see something there, something doubt convinces me doesn’t exist, but I pursue anyway.

They see a writer. Dear you, I am a Writer.

I know what I want in life, and it’s not him. I don’t want to love again, and maybe in weeks, or months, or years i’ll eat my words and claim to love somebody else. But right now, Love feels like a prison, Like a cage and somebody else has the key. The loved feels to me like a prison warden, and I am a captive, and i don’t want to go back.

I have a friend he cannot be single, and I want to hold him up, shake sense into him, I don’t want for him to give up on love, But, man, don’t cling to love just because it’s there.

I start to wonder if he’s been in love at all, because love is not replaceable, it not interchangeable.

In the end single and taken mean nothing, because once you are in love, you are taken, relationship status doesn’t matter, the moment you love someone, you are unavailable.

And I have been unavailable for so long, so long stuck in love. Can you blame me when laugh off the questions of who i like, scoff and say “nobody.”? It feels like a flag of freedom every time i say it.

This past year, i have written you letter after letter, documenting this change, you have seen me fall out of love, you have read of me trying to move on, you have seen my thoughts, fears, grief, and change.

And I want to finally say I am happy. right now, I’m so freaking happy with who I am, with where I’m going, with what I’ve become. I’ve fought so long, felt myself shifting into this new, scary creature. and fought against her, falling out of love has been horrible, learning to love myself has been worse, and i am sure, the past will claw its way in, cut new scars in this girl who writes you this. But I want you to know its possible to rise from rock bottom. You’ll get there, dear you. If I am, you can.

All my love

Me x

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