Autumn is here again.
Autumn is like returning home after a long trip, she is warm, and surrounding, and familiar, but we spend her time preparing for the colder months, just like when we return home and prepare for work the next morning, and we write down our grocery list. So autumn is enjoyed in short bursts, brief moments dotted in our days as we frantically prepare for her sister winter.
I cannot think of a day this week I have not stepped out the door and been reminded of something i have to do before winter. but I also cannot think of day i have not looked out my window snuggled under a pile of blankets and thought how beautiful the world looks. and how you can breathe autumn in, how she fills your lungs and reminds your body of apples, and pumpkins and spice, and hot tea, and firelight,and in those moments, I am not as worried, or as frantic and I seem to be these days. There is something soothing about autumn, and how she reminds you that it doesn’t matter, all things go and all things come back, there is no need to be scared, everything will be okay.
If your life came in seasons, Autumn would be your death, summer your prime, Spring your childhood, and winter would be what comes after; I still don’t know what to believe, I am often too cynical to allow myself the fancy of an afterlife, but sometimes, especially at this time of year I find myself considering reincarnation. I think about how this world loves patterns, how it loves to repeat, that even every river, so seeming aimless is actually a precise, predetermined pattern, a mathematical rhythm which repeats, like the chorus of a song.
There are so many things in this world which are repeated, reflected, that I find it hard to believe there isn’t some kind of clue out there as to what happens to us after death. maybe that clue is is what happens to flowers, how they recede and die and then in spring return, reborn. how the trees strip bare, and wither back for the cold, waiting for the spring.
Do you ever consider that, that it might be a reflection of our souls?
Maybe it is our clue, Our evidence to a repeated pattern, maybe the answer lies at the end of every year.
But on a smaller scale, where i don’t consider the various complexities of life and death, Autumn remindes of a much smaller version of death and rebirth, she reminds me of how versions of myself have died this year, and of the things I have managed to let go of. Her winds of change this year and brought with them a gale which has finally shaken those last leaves from my branches. There is a long way to go before I start anew, I have a whole winter to go through. but this year, this has been autumn for me the whole way through, But i feel as if i’m letting go of the last leaves now, watching them float like sinking boats to the ground. I feel freer now.
Winter will come and i think I’m going feel empty for a while, I think there will be a deadness, a period grief for things I have let go. and I waste so much autumn preparing for those months, I waste so much of my life preparing for winter. But today, today I am just enjoying autumn with a cup of tea, and a blanket, I hope you are to.
All my my love