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Dear You

Life keeps changing. shifting, moving, I am stood on sand, and I am running. I am putting all of my energy into going forward that I just keep falling deeper into the sand, my feet sinking. things around me are the same, I am in the same place, with the same dreams, loving the same people, aside from one, One single, lone person, and the absence pulls at me, the absence clarifies everything. it has changed everything

How can that be?

Just a few weeks ago I relapsed, I fell deep into my thoughts and I drowned. But now, I have risen, with flames and a fluster of feathers, and I couldn’t be happier.

I don’t even know why, each day I feel closer to the me I lost last year, no, actually I feel closer to me I could have been, The me I was supposed to be.

I’ve started another blog called elliesiansvisions, There I post my writing, parts of me I’ve never really shared, and every day new people read my work, every day they read my work and see something there, something doubt convinces me doesn’t exist, but I pursue anyway.

They see a writer. Dear you, I am a Writer.

I know what I want in life, and it’s not him. I don’t want to love again, and maybe in weeks, or months, or years i’ll eat my words and claim to love somebody else. But right now, Love feels like a prison, Like a cage and somebody else has the key. The loved feels to me like a prison warden, and I am a captive, and i don’t want to go back.

I have a friend he cannot be single, and I want to hold him up, shake sense into him, I don’t want for him to give up on love, But, man, don’t cling to love just because it’s there.

I start to wonder if he’s been in love at all, because love is not replaceable, it not interchangeable.

In the end single and taken mean nothing, because once you are in love, you are taken, relationship status doesn’t matter, the moment you love someone, you are unavailable.

And I have been unavailable for so long, so long stuck in love. Can you blame me when laugh off the questions of who i like, scoff and say “nobody.”? It feels like a flag of freedom every time i say it.

This past year, i have written you letter after letter, documenting this change, you have seen me fall out of love, you have read of me trying to move on, you have seen my thoughts, fears, grief, and change.

And I want to finally say I am happy. right now, I’m so freaking happy with who I am, with where I’m going, with what I’ve become. I’ve fought so long, felt myself shifting into this new, scary creature. and fought against her, falling out of love has been horrible, learning to love myself has been worse, and i am sure, the past will claw its way in, cut new scars in this girl who writes you this. But I want you to know its possible to rise from rock bottom. You’ll get there, dear you. If I am, you can.

All my love

Me x

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Dear You

I always thought that Crying was something I shouldn’t do, An unforgivable sign of weakness. Ever since I was little, and I saw the pain, upset, and anger my tears could cause. But lately I’ve found myself in tears a lot, I don’t even know what about most of the time.

I found myself withdrawing a lot lately, seeking the company of the people who don’t ask questions, avoiding the people who care, I tell the truth in halves and hints. chopped up sentences with a lot of “but its fine.” and if i get close to talking about it i start to cry.

Its all rather annoying, at this point in my life i have nothing to cry about, honesty, things are fine, but this year kind of kicked off all wonky and wrong and kept going in that direction, and the further i get into it the more strange it fits. I find that i’m not talking to people i care about and they’re not talking to me, that we keep missing each other, and getting things wrong, and the more i do to fix it, the more i say, the further away i feel.

I don’t know if this is the whole things get worse before they get better, or if I’m really, really bad at even the slightest change. Part of me just wants to stop caring, To just cut myself off, and move on, but the other part of me knows to just hang tight, Something thing shave a habit of sorting themselves out, and I’m hoping this is one of those things.

Sorry i haven’t written lately, I’ve tried, but nothing has been right.

Yours

Me x

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Dear You

This time last year, on christmas morning  my heart broke, I can pinpoint the exact moment, follow the fissure across my heart. You can expect it and still be surprised, You can anticipate it and still feel the world crumble at your feet, No matter how much you prepare, heartbreak as a lot like the apocalypse; it never works out how you expect, and despite all those cans of food, and bottled water, and safe houses, you still feel lost in the devastation, wondering if you even want to live through it at all.

Nobody really explains it to you, I don’t think anybody can, there is no 101 on how to get your heart broken, and how to appropriately put it together again, and don’t think it is even something you learn, you don’t ever get used to it; My heart was broken at 12 when i first told him i loved him, My heart was broken when he left and never called because I’d won in convincing him i didn’t want him too, My heart was broken over and over by this boy, this one boy. is it cruel to say he’s nothing special? Because he’s not you know. He’s flawed, and stupid, and I loved him to pieces, i loved him until i was in pieces, Last christmas, Downing drink after drink until i was drowning, not thoughts of him, they floated like life rafts, It was me that drowned in champagne, and wine, and painkillers.

It was the strangest day of my life, because in many ways i was happy for him; heart bursting, overjoyed, My boy’s found his home, his family, his life, his peace, my boy, he’s gonna be happy. and she’s good, she’s lovely, she’s the kinda girl he should be with, and their child will be beautiful, and kind, and his. god, it it his. His child has his frown, his eyes, his smile. His child, a part of him. how could i not be happy for him?

But…How could i not be devastated?

No matter how much i knew the truth, It wasn’t until that moment, on christmas morning that I believed it, that i resigned myself to it,  it had been a long time since i’d ever allowed myself to think  he and I had a chance, But i didn’t realize how deeply those dreams were rooted, how they were as much a part of my as my heart, my arm, my blood.

I am so determined for tihs christmas to be good, To mark me moving on like a milestone. We’ve made it, it says, We made it the year. It has been a tough one, heart break is hard, picking up dreams and remaking them is hard, getting over a love you thought was it, a love that felt enternal, A love that lasted over a decade  is hard, Being happy for someone can sometimes feel like agony. And I know lately, my thoughts have drifted back to him, worried over him, Sometimes i mistake that worry for a sign that i love him still, and i do love him still, i’m just not in love, and that is the most revolutionary, liberating, life changing event of the year, I DO NOT LOVE HIM.

So this christmas, this next year Its gonna be the turn of the century, the end of this era, the beginning, because i am free, Dear you. and if you are free, if you have had a hard year, if you feel, like me, that you rising ot of the ashes, Good on you! We are strong. If, however, you are burning, like I was last year, Know, that it ends, that we are phoenixs’, we will rise, YOU WILL RISE.

Merry christmas

Me x

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Dear You

I know what its like to love somebody blindly, to cling to that love, follow it into the fire, to keep trying and trying just for that. I know what that is like. I understand it, and i thought that meant i understood what it is like to love. I thought my own experience qualified me to understand it.

Yes I do understand what it is like to love somebody, but when it actually comes down to it I am clueless of what is like to be in a relationship, I steered my boat alone, made all my decisions alone. I loved him beyond reason, beyond sanity really, when all sense had gone, and we hadn’t spoken for years I still loved him.

I know what it is like to stay because you love somebody.

So my experience of love, although has offered me with a deep vault of knowledge and advice. There are things i really don’t understand, things i cannot comprehend,

The thing about the kind of love i felt it is the kind of love that doesn’t go away, nothing can disperse it, it lingers long after it should, this year I’ve learnt to move on, let him go, but I swear in 10, 20, 50 years if he asked me to run away with him I bloody well would.

So lately, when my friend confided in my that she doesn’t love her boyfriend anymore, I was struck with confusion, because why does she stay?

I spent the last few years trying to outrun love, like the roadrunner,  to lose it like my car keys, leave it behind in my wake, I have tried to stop loving somebody, I can’t imagine wanting to stay once you’ve won the race, once love is in your wake, a part of your past. She explained it to me, she explained the best she could how she wanted to keep trying, in honour of what was once good.

And maybe that is courageous, maybe if i had more experience I’d understand, but i don’t understand. You see, I know loving somebody when all hope is gone like back of my hand, I don’t even begin to comprehend hoping when all love is gone.

Is that good thing? Is it a common thing? Is staying brave?

Do you know what it is like to keep trying when your heart is not there?

and the big question is; does love come back? once it is destroyed can it be rebuilt?

The thing is I always knew I loved him, even at the worst parts, even when it was destroying, even when it crumbled my self confidence, my self belief, I knew I loved him. Even now, Even when I’ve let it go, I know i still love him, in my own way, I know if he turned up at my door right now, I’d love him, hands down, stupidly, foolishly.

So I’ve stopped hoping, stopped trying, But never stopped loving. So i can’t imagine to keep hoping, keep trying when I’ve stopped loving. And As is the way with me, my frustration gets the best of me, I expect a lot from myself, I expect to understand, and when i don’t, I try. But this, I really don’t. I don’t see how its good to keep trying just because you loved him once. I don’t see it. Maybe, it is because I’ve wanted to feel like that for so long.

Maybe you understand this better. I hope you are a better person than me, more open minded, that you are able to throw your heart in, to keep giving chances, because i know some people think its foolish, But i admire it, the kind of people that keep trying even after they are hurt are the kind of people that change the world around them, they change lives, because sometimes all people need is a second chance, but dear you, know when to salvage yourself, you are not an endless supply of chances, you deserve better than the partner you don’t love anymore, than the friend that keeps letting you down. You deserve the world dear you.

All my love

 Me x

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Dear you

It’s halloween again, So carve your pumpkins and don your witchs hat, and be something you want to be, could be, you are, or just be something scary, like student loans, taxes, or the job center.

I thought a  few years ago, Halloween was something you grew out of, about the time i lost enthusiasm for everything, was the same time knocking on peoples doors and asking for chocolate and sweets just became damn right weird. But when i was younger I used dress up, and compare my sweet huel with my best friend and love Halloween.

I’m returning to that now, rekindling my childish enthusiasm even though I’m going to do nothing.

My favorite halloween costume, which i will show you a picture of, was a bin bag, a homemade broom, and a plastic witches hat, and I look ecstatic in the picture, seriously, I’m loving it. I think when my mum looks at that picture, she is reminded of the things she could not give me, the way she often feels she was just botching together my childhood, as she struggled with arguments and money, and and she is reminded of that often, not just flipping through pictures of homemade costumes, which were awesome, but in the way i deal thing every day, the things i avoid, the fears i have.

I spent a long time blaming myself for the situation we were in when i was younger, i punished myself for it even though i was just a kid, i thought if i didn’t exist my mum would have been happier, she would have had a different life, even now that thought sneaks in.  as I know i’m burden, a burden she loves and wouldn’t swap for the world, but why couldn’t i have been easier? not so riddled in problems. not so worrying.

My mum is a good person, the best, she deserved better than me.

But I think we both have this tendency to blame ourselve. I think she often wishes she could of given me a better start in this world. and perhaps thats true, perhaps a domestic war zone was not the best place to raise a child, But she did her best, she made a bin bag the best costume ever, she made a twig into a wand, and she made me smile, and not feel like I was lacking anything.

And that is what is important, don’t worry about the things you give a child, how expensive their costume is, because a child will think a bin back is magical cloak if you make it exciting enough, and I know this is unoriginal but you don’t need a lot to be a good parent, you just need enough bravery to do your best, even if its just bin bag, and bit tinsel.

Have a happy Halloween

 All My Love

Me x

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Dear you

How are you these days?

I hope you are well wherever you are. I hope this letter finds you happy, because god knows that seems to be a rarity in this world.

And I hope you are at peace with your choices.

I have witnessed recently, seen it my entire life really, people staying in a bad situation because they feel that they are fulfilling some kind of debt. Maybe I have it wrong, maybe they are staying in the bad situation because that think that at the end of it they’ll get a prize or a gold star, something that says it was worth it; Your unhappiness was just a stage you had to ride through to achieve exactly what you wanted.

Maybe this does happen for some people, but more often than not what i witness, what I have  done, is holding on too long, and only when you step away from the root of your misery do you get that gold star.

If you are unhappy with something, dissatisfied with yourself, then step away, do things differently, it will be the hardest thing you have ever done, and it won’t fix it like a light switch, but if you alter your life in tiny ways, change in the smallest, slowest of manners, then maybe things will improve just a bit. Maybe you’ll smile just a little bit more, and maybe something glorious will happen.

If you are with somebody who makes you miserable, then leave them. Seriously, if that heaviness settles in stomach when you see them, if they have hurt you, betrayed you, or simply if you don’t love them wholly, completely, undeniably, if you don’t trust them, leave them, there are greater things out there. There is a love out there that will be better, that will drown out your bad past like a snuffed candle.

It is not worth wasting your time on.

My mum and dad stayed together for a decade, it was a decade of arguments and war, and i don’t understand, even now why they stayed together. There was little love, only fear of being alone, they wasted so much time in a bad situation, and only when my mum stepped away, only when she gave up, was there room for forgiveness, and healing. They are now best friends, they have a better relationship now then when they were together.

so don’t be with a person because you are scared of being alone, or because you are scared to leave them alone. You can love someone and not be in love with them and you will be happier if you stop pretending they can be same thing.

I suppose what I mean, in the end, Is be sure of the person you are with, be certain of them, and be at peace with yourself when you are with them, so you can be happy.

The most important thing is you surround yourself with people who make you into the kind of person you want to be. we are different when we are around people, so be sure to be happy with the you, you are when you are around friends.

and lastly if you are unhappy because of somebody else, anybody else, that bully who spits coke in your hair, that boss who leers down at you. Remember they are not worth your time, let alone any space in your heart. Don’t let them affect you. You are awesome.

And hopefully, you don’t need to know any of this because you are happy.

All my love

Me. x

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Dear You

Autumn is here again.

Autumn is like returning home after a long trip, she is warm, and surrounding, and familiar, but we spend her time preparing for the colder months, just like when we return home and prepare for work the next morning, and we write down our grocery list.  So autumn is enjoyed in short bursts, brief moments dotted in our days as we frantically prepare for her sister winter.

I cannot think of a day this week I have not stepped out the door and been reminded of something i have to do before winter. but I also cannot think of day i have not looked out my window snuggled under a pile of blankets and thought how beautiful the world looks. and how you can breathe autumn in, how she fills your lungs and reminds your body of apples, and pumpkins and spice, and hot tea, and firelight,and in those moments, I am not as worried, or as frantic and I seem to be these days. There is something soothing about autumn, and how she reminds you that it doesn’t matter, all things go and all things come back, there is no need to be scared, everything will be okay.

If your life came in seasons, Autumn would be your death, summer your prime, Spring your childhood, and winter would be what comes after; I still don’t know what to believe, I am often too cynical to allow myself the fancy of an afterlife, but sometimes, especially at this time of year I find myself considering reincarnation. I think about how this world loves patterns, how it loves to repeat, that even every river, so seeming aimless is actually a precise, predetermined pattern, a mathematical rhythm which repeats, like the chorus of a song.

There are so many things in this world which are repeated, reflected, that I find it hard to believe there isn’t some kind of clue out there as to what happens to us after death. maybe that clue is is what happens to flowers, how they recede and die and then in spring return, reborn. how the trees strip bare, and wither back for the cold, waiting for the spring.

Do you ever consider that, that it might be a reflection of our souls?

Maybe it is our clue, Our evidence to a repeated pattern, maybe the answer lies at the end of every year.

But on a smaller scale, where i don’t consider the various complexities of life and death, Autumn remindes of a much smaller version of death and rebirth, she reminds me of how versions of myself have died this year, and of the things I have managed to let go of. Her winds of change this year and brought with them a gale which has finally shaken those last leaves from my branches. There is a long way to go before I start anew, I have a whole winter to go through. but this year, this has been autumn for me the whole way through, But i feel as if i’m letting go of the last leaves now, watching them float like sinking boats to the ground. I feel freer now.

Winter will come and i think I’m going feel empty for a while, I think there will be a deadness, a period grief for things I have let go. and I waste so much autumn preparing for those months, I waste so much of my life preparing for winter. But today, today I am just enjoying autumn with a cup of tea, and a blanket, I hope you are to.

All my my love

Me, x

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Dear you

I’m sorry I haven’t written for a while, I have been so ill these last few weeks that it has almost been impossible. which is why I want to write a series of letters, not to you, but to the part of my life I have struggled with for most of my life. I don’t write about it often, but i think  I’ve mentioned my illness in passing.

Don’t worry I will get back to writing to you. But until then you may read my dear M.E letter if you wish.

All my love.

Me.

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Dear You

I feel so restless. So unsettled.

I can’t really explain it.

It’s kind of like I feel like I’m supposed to be racing towards this imaginary finish line, and yet I’ve lost my way, and i swear I’ve seen that tree before. In fact I’m becoming well acquainted with that tree, Its looks a little bit like the tree that cocooned the bees nest I stuck a stick in when i was young, and ended up getting stung in the eye.

Yes. I have definitely see that tree before.

I’ve completely lost my bearings. and life doesn’t seem to hand you a compass at birth. Life doesn’t really consider this a necessity. So I’m just circling the same tree, wondering, “Shouldn’t i have found my way by now?” why do i keep coming back here.

Yes, i GET i’m avoiding my issues.

Yes, I GET it.

I get that this is a childish thing to do.

But i don’t know how to talk about it, I tell myself I’m gonna do it, I’m just gonna say it all, let it the hell out, but my throat gets thick, so I say it in a roundabout way,  in little hints with a wide smile, I brush it off with a fine, and  I let the ache settle back in my gut, where it spreads through me, like poison, until it feels like my skin doesn’t fit. Until i feel wrong. Restless. so i down a couple more painkillers, and drown my thoughts.

I think, though if i do think about it, I can root it out, my problems tangle like headphones, but if i sit down, and think, i realize the restlessness is because i’ve really messed up lately. the ache is guilt, because it throbs every time my phone buzzes, it thrums everytime i say something nice, it sighs through me that I AM A LIAR.

Lying comes so easy to me, it spills off my tongue and nobody blinks. I AM A LIAR.

I hide behind a boring life, I quell the truth under a bravado of fake enthusiasm. But at heart, at the core, I’m a fucking liar.

But i’m the worst kind, because I lie to protect people, I lie with the intention of never telling the truth, and I am a liar, who values honesty.

I’m a walking fucking contradiction.

I would hate to love me, I would hate to care about me. I would hate to be any where near me.  Because nobody really figures out that they’re a fool to trust me.I demand honesty from them but give them lies.  I demand their trust, but give them shaken doubt.

And when I untangle this from my mind, the guilt blooms like a flare, and my mind just screams end it. end it. end it. end it. It will be kinder on them. It will be kinder on them. It will be kinder on them.

But you see, and here’s the zinger, the important part of this letter, that voice, that little piece of my mind  that whispers to my, encourages me to give up. That part is the lying too.

IT IS A BIG FAT FUCKING LIAR.

It also tends to tell me that because i’m fat i’m ugly. and it gets me to stare at my fingers for hours until i hate them because they’re a little chubby.

it tells me that my friends have judged me only on my faults and that they  find no good, because it can’t find any.

and it tells me that hurting myself doesn’t matter to anyone, and doesn’t affect anything as long as I cover the scars in lies.

it tells me that i’m useless. ugly, horrible.

It tells me all the time.

Over and over.

It never stops telling me and it screams at me so loud in public.

It gets me to run away and hide in public until the panic stops, and it quietens to a whisper.

but i figuring out, that i may lie, I do cover up my shame in little lies, but it, that voice, that thing, THAT is the liar, and I, I am the fools that puts my trust in it.

Recently I have done things, said things, and fucking royally messed up, and I do wish I could take it back, wipe those mistakes clean, and prop up the bridges I have burnt. but those mistakes don’t paint me a certain colour they just add to my canvas.

The important thing is I’m trying. I don’t think i can quite get the words out yet. But there may be a day where i will sit down and unwind the truth from the lie.

but i think, although we don’t admit it, there is a sell by date on a lie. like i don’t think that vase i broke 12 years ago and then in gasps and gulped lied about, really matters anymore. At the time it felt like the end of the world.

But maybe some lies, they last forever, they shape everything. they eat at you, and encourage a restlessness in you.

All my love

Me x